The Request

I’d love your help.

Can I please get your honest and skilful thoughts?

I recently wrote a message to the mother (and sponsor) of one of my clients.

Before and after sending it, I re-read it couple of times. It was a situation where I expressed my professional opinion-personal values in a way that I normally don’t. In much of my work, it’s not the service I’m offering, nor what I feel is most potent.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on how this message feels, in the context of long-term dreams and goals, high performance philosophy and mindset, and parents making decisions on how to support their children.  Through the lens of pure performance, is there anything lacking or would you even challenge anything in it? I’m open.

Thanks in advance.

The Context

About a year ago I cautiously started working with a young tennis player, after his mum contacted me.

He was right into competitive tennis and some of it was causing him stress, amongst other things. She felt he could “learn some skills” to help, and that ultimately it was about personal learning that would stay with him, regardless of tennis.

I was apprehensive because I was unsure if I was the right person for this kid, and even if my approach and philosophy were in alignment with what she was looking for. And despite having worked extensively with kids and teens previously, 95% of my clients these days, are adults.

Turns out it was fine, and it’s gone great! For a lot of reasons, it’s been very satisfying, rewarding and humbling working with him and his parents.

Recently “the kid” and I were discussing some strategies he’d successfully used in his biggest tennis challenge to date. It was hard to contain myself, listening to him.

The kid is 12. And because he’s autistic (my youngest son, and wife happen to be autistic too) he can be bloody impressive with the maturity and intelligence he can bring to it all. I’m not saying he’s beyond his years in all aspects, but some of the concepts and issues we’re dealing with, are the same stuff I might also explore with a 45 year old executive, or a 30 year old elite athlete!

Because sometimes our sessions can get right down into the weeds, this time, I felt it might be helpful and important to come back and reconnect to the biggest vision he has for his tennis journey….

“So when you shut your eyes and picture the best ever tennis situation you could possibly have…. like you’re got a magic wand…. what is it? What do you see?”

“I wanna be a professional tennis player”.

“Ok…….”

“And I wanna be the best professional player in Australia.”

Of course I hold the space, more’s coming….

“I’d like to play in a major…..……………………….Well actually I want to win a major.”

Space.

“Just one?”

He paused. Deeper thinking.

I jumped in on my own question, probably didn’t need to: “Like, when you dreamed about it, has it been 1 or…”

“I wanna to win heaps of ‘em”.

“But I wanna do it, but still be a good person.”

“Kind, humble…… not a tennis brat.”

“Ok.”

“But first step is to become pro”.

We sat in moments of silence and absorption.

He actually made more of an emphasis about being a “good person” within it all, than I’ve recounted here. But it was strong enough to the point that it caught my radar.

“Ok, thanks for all for that mate.”

“Would it be ok if I asked a question about that?”

I hadn’t asked him how it felt to declare that, or asked anything else to extend the experience and recognition of saying those types of words ( I wasn’t sure if he’d ever spoken it out loud to someone else). But I really felt it might be important to explore for held beliefs. Beliefs which may influence the chance of achieving these goals, at this formative stage.

“Yeah…”

“Those two things. Be a good person and win multiple majors.”

“Yeah?”

“Can you… do both of them? Can they work together?”

Almost instantly and with conviction: “Yes”.

“Ok. Cool. Thanks.”

The session moved on and his mum joined us (she comes and goes. It works well and the kid doesn’t seem to be limited by her presence while working with me, often providing a bridge for the communication between us). In the interest of time and with a tired kid in the session, I summed up for her, what we’d covered, some of the chunky topics, especially his big picture, dual end-goals.

Later that day there was a few messages in correspondence between the mum and myself.

Being that he’d laid out his whole tennis idea, I also felt it was important to ask how comfortable they, as parents, felt about their son’s dream, and if they had any resistance or apprehension.

Not because I suspected there was, or because I’d judged them of anything, but because I wanted to offer the chance for them to put it on the table, if there was anything unresolved, or causing friction.

There were a couple of minor things tied into it all for them, but it was more about the reality of pioneering their own journey and the issues that can come with that.

Below is a message from me to “the mum”, where I felt not sharing my perspective, would be to not serve them as well as I could.

The Message

Thanks for all this *mum*. 

If you feel out of your depth, I feel it means you’re close to the LEARNING EDGE of it all. And that means it’s being done right. Keep going!  

For me, listening to you and *kid* over time, and having my own experience working in high performance sport and seen the journeys of many people/kids/athletes……how you do it now….is how it will be, then – regardless of how far it goes.  

So in my opinion, it must be WORTH IT NOW for everyone and especially your boy, otherwise it won’t be WORTH IT THEN, regardless of the success or rewards achieved. 

So have the DREAM, allow it to exist as a perfect dream. Then come back to playing now, having and cultivating GENUINE PASSION for it. Being more curious with it all, than falling into the trap of always feeling the need and pressure to get a certain result/outcome/level of performance, for a future payoff and promise. 

(Not saying you guys are doing this.)

The performance and development required to be at a certain tennis level sustainably, with true wellness, comes as a BYPRODUCT of loving the game, the day to day process involved, and the journey of it all. The sport is the vehicle, not the purpose itself. 

 As long as that’s happening, and he genuinely wants to keep doing it, the progress and improvement will be what it needs to be. Be wary of people putting definitive pathways or timeframes on things. 

Passion, learning, development, improvement and being curious about it all, when accountably putting it to the test in competition, is what’s within our control, and yields DEEP VALUE regardless of the score line.  

Which is also why it’s been important that you and *kid* have always recognised it’s not just about winning tennis games. You said that to me in our very first phone call.  

So absolutely do “everything to win”….  and be accountable to the results of “trying to win”…….while also knowing at the same time, we don’t need to win to be ok, to be a legitimate, valuable person in the world, and to know who we are.

These are just my thoughts and opinions and I’m talking generally. I’m not pointing to anything you guys are or aren’t doing. 

End of TED talk.